Episode 29 - Bloodrayne
Bloodrayne is a 2005 action/horror film based off the video game series of the same name, and directed by Uwe Boll. As well as being the subject of Episode 29, it is one of James' written Tirades, and, when James was still grading movies using a number scale, it was the only one that he ever gave a zero. Plot A half-assed trio of vampire-hunters rescue a dhampir so that, together, they can stop the most lethargic vampire in all of fiction. Notable characters *Rayne *Vladimir *Kagan *Katarin *Sebastian *Domastir *Leonid *Amazing Amanda *Elrich The Episode This is the second "Blast from the Past" episode--i.e., an episode covering a movie covered years ago as a written Tirades article. The first was ''The Last Airbender''. Highlights *"Slitting the Throats of Sheep" - Damien's least favorite Tim Buckley album *"Can we please have one smart character in this entire movie?" *Welshmanian accent *The Vicarious Rape Flashbacks *The corpse being hacked into a fine paste *Lola Byrne is a distant successor of Rayne *Rayne goes to the gas station *Rayne drives a Toyota Corolla or a Dodge Dynasty *"Do you duel?" *An ovary-measuring contest *Sebastian is the dumbest character in the entire Tiradesverse *"What do you say when you want to bite a girl? HISS KAAAAHHHHH" *There were a fuckton of Randy Orton references Scores James - Somnambulism Damien - Zotz! References *Giant Bomb *''Zombie Mountain'' *''My Bloody Valentine'' *Eric Roberts *''A Talking Cat'' *''A Little Mermaid'' *''Shenmue'' *''Mortal Kombat Konquest'' *''Terminator 3'' *''Hellsing'' *Tim Buckley *Superman *''The Last Airbender'' *The Care Bears *''Minecraft'' *''Double Dragon'' *Randy Orton *''Masters of the Universe'' *''Robin Hood: Men in Tights'' *Supergirl *The Flash *''House of the Dead'' *''Alone in the Dark'' *Cradle of Filth *''Looney Toones'' *''Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' *Charlie Chaplin *''Doctor Zhivago'' *''Battlefield Earth'' *''Mortal Kombat: Annihilation'' *''Highlander 2'' *''God of War'' *''The Crow: Wicked Prayer'' *''Castlevania 2'' *''Ecks vs Sever'' *''A Nightmare on Elm Street'' *''Bloodrayne'' (game) *''Friday the 13th'' *''The Final Destination'' *''DeadAlive'' *SNL *''Killer Instinct'' *''Mortal Kombat'' *''Torque'' *''The Cable Guy'' *The Undertaker *''Resident Evil'' *Dee-lite *''Married With Children'' *''South Park'' *''Murder-Set-Pieces'' *''Tekken'' *''Battle Arena Toshinden'' *''Bloorayne 2'' *''Bloodrayne 3'' *''Alone in the Dark 2'' *''House of the Dead 2'' *Ed Wood *Gentleman Usher of the Black Rod *''Heroes of Wrestling'' *''1313'' *Puppetmaster *''Sorority Babes and the Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama'' *Leana Quigly *''Santa's Slay'' *''Nutcraker in 3D'' *''Catwoman'' *''The Wicker Man'' *Perry Saturn *Al Snow *Tom Jones *''World's Finest Podcast'' *Johnny Ramone Tiradesverse Tropes *Protagonists? - Rayne, Vladimir, Sebastian *Ben Kingsley Paycheck - Ben Kingsley (well, this is the role from which this trope was named, after all) and Michael Madsen *Courtney - Billy Zane *Random sex scene - Rayne and Sebastian *Pointless heel turn - Katarin *Center of the Universe - Rayne *Edited at gunpoint - Every fight scene, as well as Rayne's solo swordplay montage *Plot convenience **Rayne is trapped in the CGI trap room, and is about to be burned alive by a flood of water, but the eye artifact she has just stolen gives her immunity to water right before she falls into the pool **The weaponsmith has swords exactly like Rayne's to give to her late in the movie *Finer Cronies and Goons, Inc. - Domastir and the rest of Kagan's thrulls *Foot sweeps *Eric Roberts Paycheck - Matt Davis *Established Establishing - The endless horse-riding shots *This fucking scene - **The blood geyser mass death scenes **The scene where Vladimir and Sebastian trick the idiot guard in the dungeon *Exposition fairy - The fortune teller *RPG Town *Sudden Character Stupidity Syndrome - Rayne just hands one of the Talismans of Belial to Kagan while having no plan whatsoever to stop him or not be captured Ending Song Before and After Previous Episode: Episode 28 - A Talking Cat!?! Next Episode: Episode 30 - I Know Who Killed Me External Links The Written Review Category:Episodes Category:Written Tirades Category:Blast from the Past episodes Category:Video game adaptations Category:Gore-porn films Category:Action films Category:Horror films Category:2005 films Category:Uwe Boll films